Puns and Groaners

What is a pun? One description is
A pun is a play on words. It exploits the multiple meanings of a word, or else replaces one word with another that is similar in sound but has a very different meaning.
There are some humorless people who feel that writers and distributors of puns should be arrested and put into a punitentiary.

And a groaner? A groaner refers to a pun that is the punch line of fairly long story. It is common for the listener/reader to emit a groan after hearing the punch line - though this sometimes happens even when the story is not long. Some people even try to rate groaners: does the pun deserve a one, two or a three groan rating? You be the judge.

On Patriots Day, to honor the Battle of Lexington and Concord. NASA put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit. They called it

the herd shot round the world.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to

transcend dental medication.

A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,

no pun in ten did.

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Brian Williams!"
"BRIAN WILLIAMS?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly.

But he's a common tater!

Two vultures board an airplane. One of the vultures was carrying two dead raccoons, and the other vulture had two dead possums and a dead racoon. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, the airline has a policy:

only one carrion allowed per passenger.

There's a famous fable, perhaps told by Aesop, concerning a skunk, a lion and a hawk who were debating as to which one was the most dangerous and feared animal in the jungle.
The hawk claimed the distinction. "I win because I hit 'em from above and, from above, I got the best view of all. I see things nobody else does!"

The lion rejoined, "Nonsense! I'm the most powerful animal of all, with the longest, sharpest teeth and claws. I'm the most dangerous, for sure!"

Then the skunk said, "I have power to stink up the whole jungle and run out every man or beast in the territory."

And so they argued, on and on, until a big old bear came ambling along and swallowed the three of them . . .

hawk, lion and stinker

Gary Hill and his new wife, Joann, were vacationing in Europe -- as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard.

Gary could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skidded wildly! Gary attempted to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerved on the wet pavement and crashed into a tree.

Moments later, Gary shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his new wife unconscious, her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Gary knew he had to carry her and find the nearest phone. Gary carefully picked up his wife and began trudging down the road.

After a short while, he saw a light. He headed toward the light, which was coming from a big old house. He approached the door and knocked.

A minute passed. A small, hunched man opened the door. Gary immediately blurted, "Hello, my name is Gary Hill and this is my wife Joann, we've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone to call for help?"
"I'm sorry" replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone, but my master is a doctor; come in and I'll get him."

Gary carried his wife into the house. An elegant looking man, dressed completely in black, came down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you -- I'm not a medical doctor. I'm a scientist.", he said. "However, since it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training, I'll see what I can do."
"Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picked Joann up and carried her downstairs, with Gary following closely behind. Igor placed Joann on a table in the lab. At that moment Gary collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor put Gary on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looked worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare for a transfusion."

Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail......both Gary and Joann succumbed to their injuries.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his pipe organ. It is here that he has always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody filled the house.

Meanwhile, Igor was still in the lab, tidying up. As the music filled the lab, his eyes caught movement, and he noticed the fingers on Joann Hill's hands begin to twitch. Stunned, he watched as Gary's arm begins to rise! He was further amazed as Joann sat straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory, where he burst in and shouted to his master:

"Master! Master!

The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced:

I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.

The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one thing - she'd never won an Academy Award. She was known for being terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also known to soften for the promise of the elusive award.

One day she was called by the great director, Meyer Schmidt, and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it.
"Iss Nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I'll NOT do it."

"But HONEYKINS," he cried, "It's a WONDERFUL script."

"I didn't say it wasn't Vunderful or goot, but I'll not do it."

"But Sweetiekins, ", Meyer continued, "with my direction and your acting and name, it will make us MILLIONS."

"More Geldt I don't need. Ich do nicht like the script."

"But, DARLING, don't you see, with my connections, I can almost GUARANTEE you an Academy Award with a good performance."

Zelda thought a moment then agreed and said:

Oh, I'd LUFF to be an Oscar veener, Meyer

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that

You can have your kayak and heat it, too.

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

I was in a motorcycle shop few weeks ago, and met a real motorcycle enthusiast. He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one. It cost $500 less.
After all,

torque is cheap.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says

Hair spray: Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.

There are beings living inside the planet Venus, and they survive by

intravenous feeding.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,

I must have taken Leif off my census.

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close, but they would not.
He went back again and again and begged the friars to close, but they ignored him.
He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business, but they ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist went to Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that

only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, was known as

the lesser of two weevils.

If you think your need for groaning has not been satisfied then you might want to continue reading.

Return to humor list