More Puns and Groaners

Three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"

And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them. The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion.

Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps,

zat was a ham bush.

There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have just come to light due to the success of the spectacular movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

An new, eager genealogist decided to visit an old cemetery where several ancestors were buried and to make rubbings of their gravestones. When he arrived, he found the gravestones in deplorable condition, covered with bird droppings from a small flock of birds that would gather in the cemetery. The genealogist scared the birds away from the family gravestones and cleaned them, but did not have time to do the rubbings.
He returned the next day and, to his dismay, found the stones he had cleaned covered with fresh bird droppings. He again cleaned the stones and had time to make one rubbing. He would have to return the next day to complete the task. As he was leaving the cemetery he noticed a boy doing target practice with a slingshot.
He hired the boy to remain at the cemetery for the remainder of the day and shoot at any birds that tried to land on the family gravestones. The genealogist told the boy that he wanted to

leave no tern unstoned.

While walking in the desert one day, an old man told me not to eat the little aromatic shrubs.

It was sage advice.

When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but we didn't know for sure so we just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks my wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with those small radios?"
I hadn't, and I said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and your portable radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then leave.

I walked up the beach and met her at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.
"No, she's not." I said, enjoying this probably more than I should have.
"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" my wife fairly shrieked.

I smirked and said,

She sells "C" cells by the sea shore.

A baby pigeon and his mother were flying in sky.
The baby pigeon cried out, "I can't make it any farther; I'm getting too tired."
His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end of the string to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.

I don't want to be pigeon towed!

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply,

I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link.

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the thread and says,

Suture self.

A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other was sent to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the photograph, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they're twins -

if you've see Juan, you've seen Amahl.

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