Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in that person's shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique--just like everyone else.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Always remember, you're unique. Just like everyone else.
There are two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
50% of your high school classmates graduated in the bottom half of their class.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. " --Al Capone (1899-1947)
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. " --Woody Allen (1935-)
Despite the high cost of living,it is still in great demand.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You really never know how to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." --Red Foxx
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." --Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Time is fun when you're having flies... Kermit