It
was
In
the dream someone asked me how old my daughter was and I replied, “She’s six
years old now. And then I thought, “How can she be six years old? The
last I remember she was only six months old. When was she one, two, three, four
and five”? Paloma actually just turned six years old, and ironically I had a
very similar dream. Only this time, in the dream, she was eleven years old. And
I had the same thought. “When was she seven, eight, nine and ten? Where is the
time going?”
I
remember getting tired of hearing people tell me “they grow up so fast.”
But, of course, now I see how right they were. The good news, though, is that I
have no regrets about the past six years. I’m not going to tell a story about
realizing that I missed out on my daughter’s babyhood, toddler and preschool
years. My husband and I were both witnesses to her first step, and heard her
first word. We both walked her to her first day of preschool. My dreams are not
warning me that I’m missing things. They
are simply gentle reminders to me to slow down, to remember that Paloma is a
whole person no matter what her age and to appreciate each stage of her life as
it comes. I do not have to look forward to the next milestone. It will come soon
enough.
Recently
a friend of mine asked me “How do you find the time?” when I showed her the
quilt I had just finished. She
wondered how I found the time for my crafts knowing that I also value time with
my family. The truth is I have the same amount of time as everyone else. I have
24 hours in my day. I have seven
days in my week. I can’t “find” time hidden anywhere. I have to use it
when it’s there. I don’t save it or make it. I can’t. I have to use it
when it’s there. I do, however,
use it carefully, because I don’t get second chances with it.
Every choice we make effects how we
can use our time. I chose to limit my paid working hours in the first years
after Paloma was born so that I could spend time with her.
I also should add that we were also lucky to have landlords who never
raised our rent for the five years we rented from them, and some flexibility in
our work schedules. When James and I decided to buy a house (our first after 15
years of marriage) we chose one next to the college where we both work so we
have virtually no commute. My workday at the College library starts at
Our
only car is an eleven-year-old Saturn. It was brand new, and bright red, when we
bought it, our first new car. The monthly payments of $226 were a dollar more
than we had budgeted for. I had even asked what the price would be without air
conditioning to see if we could get a lower payment. The sales person at Saturn
of Tucson explained to me that they didn’t even stock them in that part of the
country without that particular feature. Our car is somewhat the worse for wear
now. Crayons have melted onto the back seat, giving it a psychedelic look. It
was vandalized twice when we lived in
Last
January it turned 200,000 miles. We had noticed the odometer was getting close
and decided to take a family drive so we could mark the milestone together. We
figured if we took “the long way” the numbers would flip just about the time
we got to our friends Dave and Jenny’s house. We were right. We pulled into
their driveway and they came out to see what had brought the unexpected visit.
When we showed them the odometer with the row of zeros that had just changed, as
we passed by the lake near their home, they had an impromptu celebration with us
and invited us in for hot chocolate. Sharing this kind of ritual is what
rejuvenates me. It didn’t take much planning. And I thrilled in every minute
of it. Seeing our odometer flip was not the goal, it was just a reason to go for
a drive that ultimately allowed me to spend time with family and friends.
The
upcoming holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year for
some people. Crowds at stores, not finding what we’re looking for and the
expense of gift buying, among other things, can build tension levels to the
point that the holidays are not enjoyable at all. My family has been able to cut
down on much of this stress by considering ways to use our time for gift giving.
I enjoy coming up with new things I can make to give.
In addition, I often share ideas with friends and we take some time to do
projects together. I get a chance to visit with friends and avoid the
shopping mall (a place I personally don’t like any time of year) and
create personal gifts.
One
afternoon last December I got a reminder of how much that means to me. We had an
especially harsh winter in New England last year. Our first big snowfall came on
Thanksgiving day, and we hardly saw the ground again until April, when the last
one came. One of these storms started in the late morning in mid-December. Final
exams at the College were winding down and the longer the snow came down, the
more deserted the campus became. All of us at the Library were grumbling and
wondering when “they” were going to let us go home. And then, finally about
an hour and half before my shift ended we were told we could leave. I was
especially grateful not to have a commute on that day. I was home a few minutes
later, just as Paloma’s school day ended.
She and I took our unexpected time at home together to make about a dozen
Christmas gifts.
One
of the challenges I really enjoy during the holidays is finding ways that she
can participate in the gift making. Last year I discovered a cookbook called The
Mason-Jar Cookie Cookbook, which I picked it up for free at the public
library. It contains recipes for cookies and explains how to layer the dry
ingredients in a mason jar to make a pretty gift. The best part was that my then
five-year-old was able to participate in the gift making, and she and I were
able to spend some extra time together.
What
ideas do you have? Think about it. If making gifts is something that you know
will cause you stress think about ways you might use your time after the
holidays. Give a young friend a deck of cards and promise to teach her one card
trick a month for the next year. Buy a board game for your nephew and make a
standing date to play it together. Offer to babysit for some friends so they can
have an evening out.
While
you’re preparing for the holidays this year remember to use some time for
yourself. Did you know that Americans work 9 weeks more than their counterparts
in the rest of the industrialized world? We work more than medieval peasants.
People are working more than they did in the 1950s, and making more money, even
after accounting for inflation, and buying more things, but surveys show that we
are not as happy as we were 50 years ago. Most
children, including teenagers, when asked what they most wanted that
money couldn’t buy responded that they wanted more time to spend with their
families. This year on October 24 the Simple Living Network is sponsoring the first annual “Take
Back Your Time Day” described as a “nationwide initiative to challenge the
epidemic of overwork, over-scheduling and time famine that now threatens our
health, our families and relationships, our communities and our environment.”
It is scheduled for nine weeks before the end of the year as a symbol of the
nine extra weeks we work compared to our European peers. What should you do on
Take Back Your Time Day? The easiest thing to do, of course, is take some time
off. Take a mini vacation. Spend some time with your friends or family. Let
others know about “Take Back Your Time Your Time Day”, especially your boss.
If you are the boss think about how much it would mean to your employees
by letting them go home early on the 24th. Give them an unexpected treat. Also
remember that “Take Back Your Time Day” isn’t just about work. What other
things are keeping you from relaxing? Is your family overscheduled? One parent I
know keeps a Palm Pilot with her at all times just to keep track to her three
children’s activities. I’ve decided I don’t ever want to have to learn to
use one of those. I know that James has band practice on Sunday, Paloma has
gymnastics on Monday and I have my recorder lesson on Tuesday. Beyond our
regular activities the only thing I want to use to keep track of schedules is a
plain old calendar.
Another important holiday coming up that you may not know
about is “Buy Nothing Day”. This day comes every year on the day after
Thanksgiving, one of the biggest shopping days of the year. Retailers know it as
“Black Friday” because it is the day their accounts go into “the black.”
Every year I read stories in the newspaper on the following Saturday about the
lines at the shopping centers, and interviews with people who got up at 3:00
a.m. to get the good deals, and I’m never sorry that I stayed home. People who
don’t miss the big sales miss other things that could be more fun. Children
have the day off from school. Do something fun with them. Sleep late. How often
do you get to do that? See if you can make the most delicious leftover turkey
sandwich ever. Address your Christmas cards. Make it a family activity. What
projects have you been meaning to do around the house that can be done on
Thanksgiving Friday? Try cleaning
out your closet. You may find all sorts of things you can use as gifts, without
having to stand in long lines.
The
journey I’ve made to this point in my life has been filled with both planned
events, and unexpected twists. Who knew I’d spend 3 years worshipping at
Quaker meeting in South Texas. The practice of silence translated into the gift
of greater patience. Another
unexpected discovery was that the charming 100-year old fixer-upper home we
bought didn’t get any television reception. The house we’d rented, only a
few blocks away, picked up several channels with simple rabbit ears on top the
television. We considered paying for cable, something we’d never done before,
but decided to wait before calling the cable company. And a remarkable thing
happened. We discovered we didn’t miss television at all. There was so much to
do in our new house we had no time for that. In the evenings the family reads
together. I always have a craft project I’m working on and I practice my
recorder. James has been able to
realize his dream of joining a rock band and has time for his conservation
volunteer work. Paloma draws or creates a science experiment in the kitchen. I
have to admit however, that giving up the television has not been as easy for
her. Apparently everyone else gets the Disney channel. We do take time to
watch videos or DVDs, but these are necessarily more carefully chosen. We have
to pick them out, they are not just what happens to be on.
We’ve
discovered some other serendipitous things by giving up the television. We save
a lot of money because we don’t see the latest advertisements.
We don’t know what the newest kitchen gadgets are. Paloma has no clue
what the latest must-have toy is, or what the crunchiest cereal is. When we do
go shopping it is always with a specific list of things we’ve felt a need for
without being told by someone else. And it is often a family activity.
You don’t need to wait for “Take
Back Your Time Day” to start thinking about what you can do to change how you
use your time. Of course not everyone can just pick up and move to a place that
is closer to their work, or give up a second car, or simply switch to part-time
work without some major lifestyle changes. But everyone can do something small
that can start shifting how they think about time.
This
week consider how you might use your time differently. Do you have the day off
tomorrow? Take a few minutes to appreciate the fall leaves. This activity is an
especially good one to share with a child. I remember a few years ago doing this
with Paloma. We talked about the colors of the leaves. I showed her the leaves
that were red and brown and yellow and orange, all the colors we associate with
fall, and then she showed me the pink ones. In my 35 plus years of life I never
knew there were pink fall leaves. My elementary school teachers never put pink
paperboard leaves on the back-to-school bulletin board. I’d always known which
colors were on the fall leaves, but I’d never seen the pink ones before, and
there are a lot of them. Take a look. Pick up one leaf and look its patterns. If
you really study it you will probably be able to write a whole sermon on it
yourself.
What else can you do? Try getting up for work 10 minutes early, and
really enjoy your morning cup of coffee. Sip it, feel the temperature, texture
and really taste the flavor. When you drive to work take the back roads on your
commute. You may find that you can get to your destination in a comparable
amount of time, without as much aggravation. When you get home tell your kids to
pick out a book for the family to read together. Call a girlfriend and invite
her for tea. Give up one television show that you normally watch and start the
project you’ve been meaning to do. Take a minute and thank your spouse for
taking out the garbage, fixing dinner, or balancing the checkbook.
Plan at least one family dinnertime. The food doesn’t have to be fancy,
but put a tablecloth on the table, light some candles and don’t answer the
phone! You have my permission to let it ring. The urgency of the phone has
become so great we have actually made a federal case out of the freedom not to
be called! Go to bed ten minutes early and use the time to snuggle with your
partner.
When
each of us was born we were given the gift of time. None of knows how much we
have. Time continues at a constant pace. It does not slow down or stop, ever.
When time passes it becomes history. We don’t get it back. Recent studies have
shown that those who derive satisfaction from their friends or family are
happier overall than those who get satisfaction from success at work. How will
you use your time?
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