(with thanks to Dr. Glenn Miller)

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Pity is what others have.

Forget about world peace ... visualize using your turn signal.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty! Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" ... till you can find a rock.

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog." -- Dorothy

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.